


Disaster Humans

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Beau and Caleb are both terrible at people, Does poly mean we all bang?, Experimentation, F/F, F/M, First Time Fail, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 07:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17039423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Caleb is new to this whole polyam thing, but so far it’s been going very well. There’s only one question left;Should he be ready to sleep with Beau?





	Disaster Humans

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I. Regret. Nothing.   
> Mollymauk: *snickering* You regret not including me in this one.   
> HK: Nope. It’d be hilarious but noooope.   
> Mollymauk: Well, as long as I get to watch in the end.   
> HK: You’ll get to watch when I get to Yasha. This does hark back to my promise, I will play with all of the PolyNein! Except Nott, because she is Caleb’s Mama and therefore not interested in going there.   
> Mollymauk: I’m pretty sure Beau wasn’t interested in going there either.   
> HK: Yeah but this is for crack. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Beau and Caleb are both terrible at people 
> 
> Disclaimer: I’m not even convinced I own half the stuff in my brain these days, but I know I don’t own Critical Role!

Joining up with the Mighty Nein was a new experience for Caleb in many ways. The first time he’d travelled with people since he started school. The first time he had friends since Astrid and Eodwulf. 

 

The first time he’d been seduced by two tieflings, consecutively and then together. The first time he’d heard of a polycule. It was... it was good. Being able to share Jester, and Molly, and Fjord now too. 

 

Just trying to imagine keeping up with either tiefling on his own invariably ended with tightened pants and a wince. And with Jester and Molly, everything was effortless. They were so easy, so accepting, always happy to pull him into anything they were doing. 

 

He hadn’t been sure when Molly had invited him to join him and Fjord. Wasn’t really sure that the more serious half orc would... well, would want Caleb in the first place, for one thing. Would want to share, wouldn’t mind Caleb’s pace or his many issues. 

 

But things with Fjord were easy too. For no reason Caleb could admit to himself, the Nein all seemed to like him. Which raised another question. 

 

Beauregard mostly stuck to the outside of their little love fest. Mostly. She was gruff, and awkward, and bad at people; all things Caleb found very quietly comforting. Even when they were pointed at him, it was nice to know that he wasn’t the least tactful person around. 

 

She seemed to like Fjord well enough, seeing him as a leader and a friend. And of course she adored Yasha. And Jester... 

 

Well. The two shared a room habitually at every inn. They were close, Jester’s open affection somehow worming through Beau’s thorny standoffishness. Caleb could see how. Had seen it in first person. 

 

And Molly could still be persuaded to tell stories of the day that Beau had joined himself and Jester. The entire inn had heard it, banging and screaming that almost sounded like a fight. A broken bed, before Jester had Mended it, and a chair beyond repair. 

 

Beau was... well. She was certainly happy enough to lay with Jester. And she was awkward and blunt, like Caleb. Caleb wasn’t sure quite what a polycule meant when it all came down to it, but it did make him wonder. 

 

Mostly with fear and mild panic, if he was honest with himself. The monk wasn’t shy about how much she liked rough treatment. And since Caleb would definitely not be able to do it to her the way she wanted... it was a good thing they had a resident cleric. 

 

Part of Caleb wondered if it would be easier to wait and see if Molly or Jester would suggest inviting Beau to join the two (or three) of them for an evening. Everything, everything was easier with a grinning tiefling on his arm. Someone who knew what they were doing, to guide him. To put right anything he did wrong. 

 

Part of him could imagine ~exactly~ what would happen. For Molly or Jester. Molly, well, Beau would probably punch Molly (and maybe Caleb, if he was unlucky) and just leave. For Jester though. For Jester, Beau would probably try. And they’d both be awkward, and self conscious, and fully aware that the other was wishing as much as they were that someone else would take control. And Jester would laugh until she couldn’t breathe. And never let them forget it. 

 

It was this terrible image that found Caleb catching Beauregard on her way to bed one evening. Luckily, she wouldn’t expect him to be graceful. Or eloquent. He just had to catch her arm. 

 

“Beauregard. If I could... talk to you for a moment?” Dammit, he could already feel the stutter coming on. This would be painful enough without it. 

 

Beau raised an eyebrow at her full name, glanced over Caleb’s shoulder to Fjord. Whatever she saw there convinced her to nod, pulling him tersely to one side. 

 

“Sure. Here?” 

 

Caleb glanced around the busy room, fingers tugging nervously at his scarf. 

 

“Not here,” he shook his head, eyes darting to the stairs. “Perhaps... in your room?” He did not want Nott to walk in, no matter what happened. She didn’t ever need to see him like that. 

 

Beau’s eyebrow went up again but she nodded, tugging him tersely behind her out and up. Caleb stumbled after her, realising belatedly that she might think he wanted to talk about something much more serious. Well. Something darker. 

 

This was something that Caleb took very seriously. 

 

Once inside, Beau turned to him, arms crossing over her chest. 

 

“Well? You okay?” She asked brusquely. Caleb couldn’t quite bring himself to meet her eyes. 

 

“Yes... I just... I have been thinking,” he said slowly. He could see her impatience, sped up to try and assuage it. “I... ah... I know that you are also with Jester.” Beau nodded, a slight frown dragging her brows down. 

 

“Yeah. Is that a problem?” 

 

“Yes. No. It is...” Caleb sighed, running both hands through his hair. “You know how Jester is. She likes to... share.” 

 

A tiny smile tugged at the corner of Beau’s mouth, fond memories evidently coming to mind. 

 

“She does,” she agreed, her voice softening a little. Whether it was thoughts of their trickster cleric or knowing that Caleb wasn’t going to start a fight, Caleb didn’t really care. Anything putting her in a better mood was an improvement. 

 

“And... do you think... she will want to share us? Together?” 

 

That drew Beau’s gaze to his like a blow torch. Caleb had to fight to stop himself from spinning around to face the wall instead. It wouldn’t help. Beau would turn him right back. 

 

“What?” It was some small measure of relief that she sounded startled, slightly panicked, rather than offended. This was already going extremely well, comparatively speaking. Caleb swallowed and forced himself to continue. 

 

“She has... had myself and Molly, and Fjord. And you and Molly, I think?” It almost wasn’t a question, but Beau nodded an answer anyway. Apparently it was something she hadn’t considered, from the worried way she chewed her lower lip. 

 

Taken aback, she began to pace. Her arms unfolded, folded again, not really knowing what to do with them. Finally she sighed. 

 

“I’m not going to say she wouldn’t ask,” she said slowly, frowning as though working on a serious problem. “But I mean... she knows I... but with Molly... ugh!” She tossed her hands into the air in frustration. “Okay, so this is clearly something I haven’t thought about. Have you?” 

 

Caleb nodded quickly, cheeks flushing as both of Beau’s brows rose. 

 

“Not in... not in the fantasy way,” he clarified quickly, barely able to even look at her feet, “but I do not know how these group dynamics usually operate. I thought... it might be expected. That we would at least try.” Trying with Fjord had gone... well. They would probably do it again. 

 

Caleb hadn’t really gotten past the mild panic to wonder what things would actually be like with Beau. The same mild panic now taking over Beau’s face. It was strangely reassuring, not being the only person scared by the idea. 

 

Beau drew in a deep breath, closed her eyes. And nodded. 

 

“Okay. So... did you want to... I mean. I’m really only into women, but. Should we...?” She trailed off into a question, turning an almost hopeful gaze on Caleb. It was much less reassuring being the one who was expected to know what was going on. 

 

Caleb swallowed again, stuffing his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking. 

 

“I think we should know what we are getting into,” he said slowly, feeling out the end of the sentence. “So that we know where we stand if she asks either of us.” Beau nodded quickly, already feeling more settled now that someone had a plan. 

 

“Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. So we both give the same answer.” She rubbed her own hands together, frowning at the anxious wizard. “How?” 

 

It was Caleb’s turn to take a deep breath, steeling his nerves. 

 

“I think... I think that I would like to kiss you, Beauregard. So that we know if we are... if there would be any point.” 

 

“For science,” Beau suggested, to Caleb’s very great relief. 

 

“Ja,” he nodded, taking a hesitant step towards her. Beau’s eyes snapped to the movement, looking him over. She let out a low whistle. 

 

“Did not see this coming when we met,” she admitted with a nervous smile. Caleb returned it, a bubble of relieved/worried laughter welling in his chest. 

 

“You are telling me,” he agreed. Beau nodded again, closing her eyes for a moment and stepping towards him. Perhaps if he hadn’t been equally nervous, equally steeling himself for the experience, Caleb would have been offended. 

 

More likely he would have decided it was exactly what he expected, what he deserved, that he was lower than dirt for allowing this situation to occur. 

 

Fortunately he was far too terrified to consider it at all. 

 

The moment hung long, stretched as both humans avoided each others’ eyes and fidgeted. Then Beau huffed, grabbed the back of Caleb’s head, and pulled him in for a kiss. 

 

It was... awkward. Things started badly, their lips firmly closed and pressed together like siblings under parental duress. Then Beau’s lips moved, and Caleb thought she might be opening her mouth, hurried to follow. 

 

Whatever she had been doing, Beau was startled by the first brush of tongue. She jumped a little, and things deteriorated into a clumsy, self conscious jumble of teeth and tongues. To their credit, they did try. It was several seconds before they drew back, catching their breath. 

 

His cheeks red hot, Caleb glanced down at Beau. 

 

“So... let’s never do that again.” 

 

A wide grin spread across the monk’s face, relief and laughter mixed as she punched his arm. 

 

“Oh thank fuck, I thought you were gonna suggest we try again!” Her whole body sagged a little and she took another step back. Caleb couldn’t help grinning back as he watched her. 

 

The absurdity of the whole situation had sunk in, and combined with the huge weight being lifted he felt almost giddy. 

 

“Well it couldn’t go much worse,” he pointed out, snickering and Beau snorted with laughter. 

 

“Don’t say that, you’ll jinx it!” She cackled. The two were still laughing when a cheerful knock came at the door and Jester’s voice interrupted them. 

 

“Hello! Are you busy being naked, or can I come in!” 

 

Caleb and Beau exchanged looks, each sat on beds across the room from each other, and dissolved into snickering again. 

 

Naked was not on the table. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: This one didn’t exactly come with a neat ending so much as I ran out of stuff to do, so here we go!   
> Mollymauk: I’m still disappointed that no one is being punched.   
> HK: You can also be punched.   
> Mollymauk: And will be! 
> 
> Frumpkin Rating: 8/10 High entertainment value, knew to quit while she was ahead.


End file.
